Reflections

I’ve avoided writing this post for a while.  First it was because I thought it needed to be some kind of summary of the last year here in Quebrada Pastor, in preparation for returning to America for a vacation.  Then, of course, I was in America for a couple weeks – which was lovely, thanks to my family and all the friends I was able to visit! – and then, I thought I needed to somehow come up with a comparison of America and Panamá to further enhance my reflection on the last year.

So I spent some time rereading my journals, looking over my first blog posts.  And thinking about (rather, living) the culture shock – both of returning to America, then of returning to Quebrada Pastor. 

Some reflections about what has changed – or maybe stayed the same – in the last year:

Travel between worlds:

Journal Entry, 8/11/14

There is something very bizarre about traveling between worlds.  This the third time during training that we have left the “developed” world to go to the “undeveloped” world and then returned, and every time is jarring.  (Of course it is also jarring to go to Panamá City from Santa Rita, but less so.)  There’s the confusion about which is actually the real world, which is actually home (not to mention the gastrointestinal confusion every time – which is never helped by the binging on rich dairy food and the like upon return).  And we find ourselves giggling at the ridiculousness of having emerged from the campo to eat a McFlurry, while surrounded by city folk no doubt perturbed by the obnoxious childlike gringos, yet who don’t even know there are places in their country without a place to poop.  We occupy a very strange role in Panamá.  And we cope with it by being five-year-olds.

This is still true.  The shock of going back and forth is less – I’ve become accustomed to being a bridge.  I’m a bridge when I’m here in Quebrada Pastor, introducing visitors to my home, and talking about America.  I’m a bridge when I translate for visitors throughout Panama, and when I tell Panamanians about what I do, about parts of their own country that they never see.  I’m a bridge when I return to America with my pictures and my stories.  And, of course, I’m supposed to be a bridge writing this blog.  (The part about being a giddy 5-year-old with my ice cream: definitely still true.)

About Language:

Journal Entry, 6/27/14

Constructing a sentence was much like making it out of fridge magnet words – sometimes the right word takes a while to look for on the fridge, other times you can’t find it at all, so you piece together a similar alternative; sometimes the verb isn’t conjugated quite right, but the meaning still comes across.  Sometimes the whole sentence just falls apart and gets knocked off the fridge.

While I feel a lot more comfortable speaking Spanish, having more control over the language, I do still make mistakes.  And there are those times when the words have been re-coded in Spanish in my brain, so it takes a moment to remember them in English – the reverse problem from this journal entry!

All of the emotions:

Journal Entry, 9/14/14

I wonder when I will stop feeling obligated to begin each entry referring to a roller coaster.  Or when I will quit feeling like I’m on a roller coaster.  A Panamá roller coaster, because the rules are different and they let screaming babies ride and they are sitting all around me.

If I need to sum up my service in a few words, they usually are: “It’s a roller coaster, but one I like riding.”  Even though the screaming babies are still here.

Learning “patience and flexibility”:

Journal Entry, 10/24/14

Sometimes Panamá decides that it is not doing a good enough, fast enough, concentrated enough, impactful enough job of teaching me patience and flexibility.  So it pulls weeks like this out of its butt to remind me that I still haven’t learned “tranquilo” quite well enough.

In direct contrast to this entry a week ago, I have definitely spent the last week feeling pretty “tranquila.”  Yes, I have been preparing to give a very training-intensive Water Committee Seminar, but I have also so much more easily taken in stride the delays and setbacks – including everyone’s prioritizing of holiday preparations above my work (which is what frustrated me so much last year).

Journal Entry, 11/13/14

Just realized that it might be kind of hard going back.  We have such an incredible amount of freedom here. […] The thing is, not many jobs have that kind of flexibility – to just take off and spend the afternoon writing a blog post and stuff.  Nor do many jobs have this kind of variety of work – and I feel very busy and very occupied and productive all the time.  Yeah, I can see how going back could be hard.

And, having had a little taste of going back, even for a brief couple of weeks (without even doing any work!), that preoccupation settles even more firmly in the back of my mind…

Feelings of nostalgia:

Journal Entry, 11/21/14

On Saturday, I was given an apple soda.  The taste of apple surprised me – I was anticipating coffee.  It further surprised me because, well, apples aren’t from here.  Eating an apple in Panamá is as indulgent as eating a banana in the US – incredible transportation costs.  And the taste brought me back to the US, in the fall, as it gets cold, drinking hot apple cider.  Trees changing color.  Crisp cool air.  Such nostalgia.

And finally, I had to opportunity to drink some hot apple cider.  To ride a bike through the changing leaves.  To go apple picking.  And it was lovely.

I also looked through some old blog posts, like High Maintenance and Weird Things About Panamá.  Reflecting back on those thoughts, and how I feel about them now:

I still love eating eggs.  It’s great having control over my food situation, cooking all the vegetables I can get my hands on (before they go bad, lacking refrigeration).  I still love getting gifts of fruit.  I definitely do not eat all the rice (or boiled green bananas) that I’m served.  I now outright refuse to eat pifa (an advantage of having been here a while, I can politely refuse things I can’t stand) as well as canned sardines.  I no longer dream about food, but I do occasionally indulge in the Peace Corps pastime of “food porn” – discussing the most delicious things we can think of or have made or want to make.

I have become so good at eating chicken necks (as I found myself boasting constantly in America).  The key is to pull apart each of the vertebra and suck on them individually – that way you get all of the meat off it.  I’m still positive there is no meat on chicken feet.  Definitely always prefer the chicken necks.  Well, unless you can get the good stuff.

Communication is still a delicate balance of having enough phone money, cell service, phone battery, and time to talk – all at once.  But I’m much better at managing it, which makes life so much easier.  My cell phone is my one source of connection to the world outside of Quebrada Pastor – so even though many times the service and call quality is crummy, and perpetually dropping calls can be frustrating, I can’t get upset about it – because I depend on that connection so much.  But it was really nice not to have to worry about any of that for two weeks in America.

I finally understand summer in Bocas.  It does – actually – dry up to the point that the ground is dry, everywhere, even in the muckiest, swampiest places, for a few weeks.  That’s the closest we get here.

And I still hate the sound of giant trucks engine braking right in front of my house.

I quit smashing cockroaches regularly.  I used to come back to my host family’s house in the evening, open the door to my room, and start crushing every scuttling critter with my Chacos until they all disappeared.  But I could never win.  They would always come back.  Finally, I just let them be.  And hid everything I own in closed containers.

Wash machines are so, so nice.  So are dryers.

And, well, that’s all the more profound it’s going to get for now!  Thanks, America, it was fun.  Panamá – it’s good to be getting back to work!

Photos from some of my Panamá activities from the last month:

Celebrating Willy and Mechi’s anniversary – baked them brownies!

Still finishing up the Tank and Latrine projects from Tech Week (someday they will all be completely done).

Another visit to Ema’s house.

Still find surprises: a sloth fell out of a tree when the branch broke and was attacked by a dog!  We shooed away the dog and saw that clinging to the belly of the sloth was a little baby sloth.  Mama and baby made it – laboriously – back up into the tree without apparent harm.

Autumn leaves from Cleveland added to the collection on my wall!

Willy’s chocolate company got all geared up for Quebrada Pastor’s first ever Chocolate Festival.  I became an impromptu chocolate forest tour guide for a group of tourist visitors, there were all kinds of chocolate goods for sale, the Chocolate Queen was crowned, and there were soccer games and a dance… Willy considers it a great success, for publicity and the enjoyment of all.  A few Volunteers visited and we all pretended to Miss Chocolate.

Finally started a Water Committee Seminar – training the new Water Committees who are preparing to build and aqueduct next year, as well as offering training to the current Water Committees for existing aqueducts.  The first day (of six) was a great success!  Everyone had fun – especially the icebreakers and the sociodramas, shown here.