Sometimes I push and push and seem to get nowhere. And then, all of a sudden, when I am doing
nothing, someone else makes something happen.
In the classically American way, I grew up believing that
if I just worked hard enough, I could make the things I wanted happen. If something wasn’t working, I just needed to
try harder.
Arriving here, I was more than prepared to fail. I expected to fail at many of the things I
tried, because everything here was new and challenging, and anyway, a significant
portion of Pre-Service Training was spent warning us of our impending
failures. But of could I also believe
that, if I just kept trying, eventually, I would succeed. I just had to never give up, never quit,
continue experimenting, and try harder next time.
So when Enrique tells me that his neighborhood is not
interested in my latrine project – even though they told me back in September
during my first visit that they all wanted latrines – I figured I must have
just done a bad job selling the project, that I should go back and try again,
but smarter, better, more persuasively, somehow. (The hard sell, of course, is that I am
asking people to pay for materials themselves.)
To try again, I would need the help of Rubén – the same
Rubén who I mentioned in my
Sustainable
Development = Empowerment post, who had been helping me as a member of my
Community Project Committee until he fell ill – because he lives in Enrique’s
neck of the woods, and they trust him (more than me, anyway).
Rubén is better now, but I still hadn’t seen him since
that frustrating visit to his house two months ago when he refused all of my
offers to help get him to the hospital.
Rather than try to seek him out at home again, I decided I would try to
run into him at church – even better, because he was guaranteed to be there, it
would show that I recognized the importance of the priority to him, and it
would save me an hour walk up the muddy hill.
Trying again, but better.
So I went to Quebrada Pastor’s Evangelical Church for the
first time ever. I had avoided attending
all the different church services in the community so as not to “belong” to any
particular segment of the community and as a result alienate others – but
feeling that I had pretty well established that at this point, I thought it
would be safe.
Arriving late for the service, I was inevitably seated in
the front row on the aisle, directly in front of the pastor. No misbehaving! And no looking around to see who was there.
I’m sure I saw Rubén once when I surreptitiously glanced
behind me, but by the time I stood up after the service, he had disappeared.
Disheartened, I became more convinced that he no longer wanted
to work with me and was now intentionally avoiding me. This appeared to be confirmed when I attended
“Be Proud of Your Black Race” day celebration at the school (an interesting
event, watching Ngöbe children dancing in African clothes), and saw Rubén yet
again – but he was deep in conversation and would not even glance my direction
as I tried to get his attention. I
returned home, sad to have lost the opportunity and more convinced than ever
that I had lost his commitment – and also not willing to try harder to talk
with Rubén.
As I prepared my lunch, to my great surprise, Rubén
appeared at my door! I welcomed him in,
we talked, he promised he was still available to help me, and said he would
arrange something with Enrique’s neighborhood.
What happened here?
I tried less hard and the result was better? I backed off, I became passive, I let him
come to me, and it worked?
Granted, I don’t know yet the results of his promise to
coordinate with Enrique. And I don’t
know whether that will make a difference in Enrique’s willingness to work with
me. But it’s out of my hands. I don’t have control over it.
And maybe I never really did. I think that I have so much influence here –
but there are far stronger forces at work in this community – these existed
before I arrived and will be there after I leave. My best hope is to be able to nudge some of
those forces a little bit more toward the interest of environmental health, or
community organization, or empowerment.
I may never actually know which of my actions were
effective, what are the consequences of my efforts. If I had not gone to church, would Rubén
still have come to my house anyway?
Would the result have been the same had I insisted in talking to him at school? If I had walked to his house? I will probably never know the impact of my
individual efforts (or lack of effort) in any of the things that I do here –
and I will only barely have an idea of the overall cumulative impact of my time
when I leave.
I get the sense I need to find a balance – putting forth
every bit of my effort but also taking a step back, forfeiting the sense of
control, and leaving things in the hands of others, happening organically.
I’m not sure where that balance lie – and my instinct
will always be to try harder – but I continue to seek it, just as I continue to
seek the humility – and patience – that I need to accept that I cannot exert
the control I would like over all things, no matter how hard I work.
And so I chant to myself that prayer I remember hanging
in my parents’ bedroom, which I used to read growing up:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot
change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
Some other things that have been happening, largely
regardless of my efforts:
“Heidy Chocolates” is really taking off. Willy (my host dad) has formed a group that
now works every week to produce cacao products – and he is expanding his
product line to include cacao “nibs” (broken up cacao beans), “cocoa powder” to
make instant hot chocolate, and no-bake cookies (similar to the recipe I had
showed him). He got AMPYME, a government
agency that offers seed money and training for micro-businesses, to come to
Quebrada Pastor to explain how the company can apply for a seed money
grant. And he continues to sell cacao to
an ever-more-impressive list of clients (including many Peace Corps Volunteers). Next step is securing sanitary certification
from the Health Department.
Finally finished surveying one of the potential aqueduct
systems! Looks like I’ll finally get to
do some design work!
Hobbes has become quite the mouser. I’ve seen at least 3 of her kills. She usually likes to play with them a bit
before killing them, ripping their heads off, pulling out the entrails,
crunching on the bones, and then throwing up the remains all over the
house. What a good cat.
Nayelis used what she learned at the Healthy Women’s
Artisan Seminar that I sent her to attend in April to make me a bracelet!
I took a group of 5 teenagers to the Acting Out Awareness:
Camp for Young Health Promoters last week.
In preparation, we did some activities to learn about hand washing,
water treatment and storage, and HIV/AIDS, and we took a field trip to the
Health Center in Almirante. (Watching
them practice putting condoms on each other’s fingers may have been the best
part.) Then we traveled to Alto
Caballero, a community in the Comarca Ngöbe-Bugle, on the other side of the
mountains from Bocas, to attend camp!
They seemed to have a fantastic time, learning about theater, health, and
leadership, followed by giving a performance of a short play, along with kids
from 4 other schools, from all over the country. My kids learned and performed a play called “Margarita
Cochinita” (Dirty Little Margaret), which communicated (in hilarious fashion)
the importance of hand-washing in reducing illness. They did a fantastic job!
Also part of Theater Night was a performance by all
30-some kids and facilitators of the song “Lavando” (to the tune of Enrique
Iglesias’ “Bailando”). This is the same
song that I mentioned in the post
High
Maintenance way back in November, when I went to all the classes in the
school singing “Lavando” for Global Hand-Washing Day. At that time, it was only a chorus, but with
some much rain and so many of my plans canceled during October and November I
ended up writing the rest of the words to the song – just for fun (you can find them, with the translation, at
the bottom of the post). It was
thrilling to have it actually performed, with a choreographed dance and
everything!
Lavando
Yo me paro y me doy cuenta la
existencia
En mis pantalones, no sola
flatulencia
(Diarrea más flatulencia)
Y me siento una guerra adentro de mi
barriga
La noche en la que tengo fiebre y
vómito
[Coro]
(Lavando, lavando, lavando, lavando)
Las manos después de usar el baño
Con jabón limpiando (con jabón
limpiando)
(Lavando, lavando, lavando, lavando)
Los malos microbios me va
desterrando
No me va enfermando
Comiendo y cocinando también
preparando
La comida y la bebida y todo vamos
tomando
Me lavo manos (me lavo manos)
Me lavo manos (me lavo manos)
Cualquier excremento, limpiando los
bebes
Tocando animales, manejando sus
heces
Me lavo manos (me lavo manos)
Me lavo manos (me lavo manos)
Yo quiero mojar las manos, enjabonar
las manos
Lavar las manos, secar las manos
Una rutina sana (una rutina sana)
Y chocar tu mano (y chocar tu mano)
Yo quiero mojar las manos, enjabonar
las manos
Lavar las manos, secar las manos,
una rutina sana
Cada día del año
[Fin del coro]
Yo me miro en las manos con
preocupación
(Tengo preocupación)
Y finalmente desarrollo realización
(Y finalmente desarrollo
realización)
Qué ironía del destino mi
sufrimiento
Sentimiento vienen de mis propias manos
[Repite el coro]
Rough
translation:
Washing
I get up and
realize the existence
In my pants,
was not just a fart
(Diarrhea
plus flatulance)
And I feel a
war inside my gut
The night in
which I have fever and vomiting
[Chorus]
(Washing,
washing, washing, washing)
Hands after
using the bathroom
Cleaning with
soap (cleaning with soap)
(Washing,
washing, washing, washing)
Expelling the
bad microbes
I'm not
getting sick
Eating and
cooking and also preparing
Food and
drink and all things we consume
I wash hands
(I wash hands)
I wash hands
(I wash hands)
Whatever
excrement, cleaning babies
Touching
animals, handling their feces
I wash hands
(I wash hands)
I wash hands
(I wash hands)
I want to wet
my hands, soap up my hands,
Wash my
hands, dry my hands
A healthy
routine (a healthy routine)
And shake
your hand (and shake your hand)
I want to wet
my hands, soap up my hands,
Wash my
hands, dry my hands, a healthy routine
Each day of
the year
[End Chorus]
I look at my
hands with worry
(I am
worried)
And finally
develop the realization
(And finally
develop the realization)
What irony of
destiny my suffering
Feeling come
from my own hands
[Repeat Chorus]
