Epilogue: The Things I Carry

I have now been back in the United State for over four months.  I admit that following my flight back on September 2, I did tear up when I told the customs agent at the airport that I was returning from two years in Panamá and he replied, “Welcome home.”  I have since slowly reintegrated into America, becoming reacquainted with everything from driving to laundry machines to so many choices at the grocery store.  I want to post one last time, to tie all of my Panama Ponderings back together, to nicely wrap up this blog, to provide myself (and you?) some sense of closure.

Except it’s just the beginning.

The reason Volunteers who have completed their service are called “Returned Peace Corps Volunteers” (RPCVs) rather than “former PCVs” or “ex-PCVs” is because, though we may return to the United States, we are never truly done with our work as Volunteers.  For the rest of my life, I will be able to continue the Peace Corps’ Third Goal: “To help promote a better understanding of other peoples on the part of Americans.”  Or, more simply: “Bring the world home.”  So this is something I will proudly carry – and continue to share with anyone curious enough to ask and listen – going forward.  And I have already had plenty of opportunity to do so!

Before continuing to look forward, I want to look back for a moment.  In my first post, I outlined why I wanted to serve, and what I was hoping to accomplish.  And now, I have the opportunity to compare those expectations to my experiences.  I did indeed find living among the people of a community an effective way of understanding the full context of the challenges they face – just as I had hoped, following my Engineers Without Borders experience.  I did indeed live the problems alongside them – learning to manage limited resources, the unpredictability of life, and the sicknesses that accompany water and sanitation challenges (16 times, no less, if I’m counting right!).

I must admit that, despite my high hopes, I still cannot say I am fluent in Spanish – in fact, I have learned that the more I know, the more I know I don’t know – for though I am a proficient communicator in rural communities and much improved from two years ago, there is room for improvement to feel comfortable among well-educated, fast-talking, city-dwelling Spanish speakers.  Perhaps the best sign of growing into my Spanish abilities was when Ángel told me that I had changed a lot since the beginning, since I was more comfortable joking around.  I replied that he was finally getting to know me as ME – the real Alex – it just took a while to be ME in Spanish!

I understand so much more thoroughly the depth of my privilege.  Even doing my best to approximate living like the people around me, there were a few ways that I would never have that full experience.  Perhaps the most important component was that I had chosen to be there, and could choose to leave, which is something many people there could not choose, or else they were choosing between living without resources in the city and living on their land in the campo.  My education was another privilege with which I arrived; just being able to read and write proficiently gave me enormous advantages in doing business and dealing with people.  Peace Corps also furnished me with 1) a predictable, steady living allowance that meant I always knew exactly how much money I could work with each month, a key source of stability that few in my community enjoyed; and 2) free health care, another important source of stability – I never debated whether it was worth it to go to the hospital when I was sick.

I believe I have learned a lot of lessons, many of which are chronicled in these posts, and I will carry all of them with me.  I intend to take the serenity of “Panama happens” and apply it more broadly to “life happens,” drawing from that patience and flexibility that I have worked so hard to develop.  And I intend to empower others when I have the opportunity to do so.  I believe I will continue to embrace my “center-midfielder” role, seeing patterns, organizing things, and setting others up for success.  I will continue to pursue big-picture systems thinking, seeking to understand the full context of a problem before seeking a solution.  I realize the power of changing my perspective; indeed, I have been able to see and experience new things as both an American, and to an extent, as a member of Quebrada Pastor.

I will also continue to carry my relationships with my friends in Quebrada Pastor.  I have been able to call Ema, I have traded messages with Arcadia (Ángel’s oldest daughter), and I hear from Willy every month or so – including a shipment of chocolate!  In fact, to that end, I left this final message for Volunteers still in Panamá, a final Peace Corps limerick:

This is to be my last promotion:

Secondary project’s devotion,

Quebrada Pastor

Represent no more,

All the balls already in motion.

If you think chocolate’s good for your soul,

And like it organic and local,

A name you should know

(Since I’m gonna go):

William Binns will keep your stock full.

Cacao puro by the quarter pound,

Dark chocolate candy bars – best around!

Cacao nibs in jars,

Cocoa butter bars!

Can be shipped to you – how does that sound?!

68776629 call,

Text, or Whatsapp, he uses them all.

Message on Facebook,

While there take a look

At Heidy Organic Chocolates’ wall.

And so there, now that I’ve done my part,

Peace Corps network connect at the start,

I’m passing the buck:

Go buy cacao pucks!

And tell your friends it’s made from the heart.

I will probably never stop being his promotor, no matter where I go.  I really do believe that someday he’ll make international shipments accessible to everyone… So if you have tried a sample and really like it, I encourage you to let him know!  (His English is getting better all the time, too, so don’t let that stop you.)

And, finally.  A look forward.  To where will I carry all of these things?

Starting February 6, I will be working as an Environmental Engineer for the Indian Health Service on the Hopi Reservation in Northeast Arizona.  I will again be working on water and sanitation projects, in the service of the Hopi people; it’s almost like Peace Corps Level Two (this time with electricity and an engineer’s salary)!  Of the opportunities available to me, this was the most compelling.  It took months of searching, applying, interviewing, considering, discussing, and agonizing to reach this decision, and I am excited for the new adventure.  My new hope is that my two years of practice in immersion in a new culture will help me learn the full context of a people about whom I currently know next to nothing, which will help me serve their communities as their field engineer.  This position promises to be challenging and rewarding, and I am happy to conclude this blog opening the door to the next chapter of this journey.

Thank you to all of you who have read my posts, regularly or rarely, and to all of you who have told me you appreciated what I have written.  Thank you for your support, encouragement, and curiosity both now and all along the way.  Sharing my Panama Ponderings publicly turned out to be a pretty good experiment, after all.  Thank you for making it worthwhile!

This is the conclusion to a poem I wrote long before my departure for Panama, but no less relevant now:

And just there, standing,

Arms spread to the sky,

A glance over the shoulder:

A higher mountain, nearby.

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On to a higher mountain, then!

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Pictures:

It has been great to spend time with family since being back!

A few special occasions to wear Ema’s nagua – right before cutting (and donating) my hair, and for Rosh Hashana.

 
My first international shipment of chocolate from Willy!

  Thanks for the certificate, President Obama!

My next adventure: I think the high desert of Northeast Arizona is approximately as opposite as you can get from the Panamanian coastal rainforest in terms of climate and terrain.  So much to explore!